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Just a regular wallflower today

August 8, 2011

Today I’m feeling much more like a regular wallflower. There was some drama-rama this weekend and it has left me feeling like I used to.

We moved around a lot when I was a kid and on one hand it was great. I am comfortable in many situations and can usually make friends easily. On the other hand it was horrible and has left me with a certain emotional handicap. I might be comfortable, but I’m not confident. So few people see it. But I lack a certain sense of self worth, at least when viewed through others’ eyes. I know I am awesome. Funny, loyal, game for new things and adventures, etc. But I totally don’t trust that other people see that.

I think it’s because I’ve had so many friendships, that felt so close just end when we moved away. I can only put so much effort into keeping things going before it just hurts too much. So I put less and less effort in. Whenever there is a sign that I’m found less than worthy (invitations that don’t come, lack of response to my invitations, long time without contact, disregard for feelings or preferences, etc.) I back off. I don’t want to be a bother or be that one very annoying friend who thinks you are closer than you are. I don’t want to be presumptuous. So I pull back, hide away and blend in with the wallpaper. Because accepting you are a wallflower and outsider is easier than than dealing with the pain of thinking you belong only to find out you don’t.

I know why I pull back, but I haven’t figured out what to do about it yet. Ideas?

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